your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
