i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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