The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
