I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
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My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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