If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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