This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
