I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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