I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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