who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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