Your mouth is God's brothel.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
