So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
