when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
