Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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