If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Randomize
