I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
