She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
