I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
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I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
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I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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