let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
