i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
