Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
