Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
