I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?