STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.