I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over