apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
