somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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