The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
