please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
