How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
