The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
