You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
