Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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