Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.