sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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