I haven't been this sober since birth.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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