What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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