so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
