When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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