and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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