You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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