i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
