I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
