She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
