bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
