you turned your livingroom into a bong?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.