he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.