If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
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let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
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I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.