and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
