also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
