Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
