Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
