Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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