i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
