someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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