i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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